you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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