i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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