Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
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What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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