I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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