If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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