dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Randomize
