I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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