The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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