i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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