HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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