remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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