Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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