Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
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tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
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that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it