I showed him my bush... on skype.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
