I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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