It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
