That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
