I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
