I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
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he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
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I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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