Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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