The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
