Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
