Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
my shit smells like andre
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
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He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
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And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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