Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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