Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
