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I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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