I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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