Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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