my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
