The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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