I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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