Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
