I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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