Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
you didnt know i had herpes?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
