This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
