That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
