my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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