I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
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