is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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