I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Found your dick twin last night
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
