It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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