Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
