I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
