I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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