She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
