I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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