He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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