allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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