If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
