Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
