Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
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So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
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Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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