your parents love me but you hate me
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
