Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
