It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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