I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
