my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
