i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
