Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
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Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
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Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
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